If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
