i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
