so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Life is so much better after having sex.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
