I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
