Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
