I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
