quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
