Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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