People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
