How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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