bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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