i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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