Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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