I think I died a long time ago.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
How naked do you want me to be?
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