It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
