I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
There's even glitter on my cock...
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