my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize