This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We're too hungover to prance.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
