No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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