I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
