Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
