I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
