Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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