so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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