What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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