There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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