I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
