I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I came so hard my ears popped.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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