i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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