so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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