If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
