My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
