If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
