this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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