I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
