Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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