I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
