Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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