what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
