Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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