She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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