He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
