Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Houston, we have a blender
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
