there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
