ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
