So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
