my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
