I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
