I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
