Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
