dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
