uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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