dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
