I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
