if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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