no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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