yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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