I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
