I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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