Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
