I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
