He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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