so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize