I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
