Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
