she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
