'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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