What tipped you off? The sombrero?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
